The Hard Truth

I'm not really sure how to start this post.  Most everything on this blog are accounts of the upbeat, positive & fun parts of our life, a family scrapbook if you will, but it doesn't mean everything in our world is sunshine & roses.

Some days are hard.  Mr. S & I have been through our fair share of ups and downs--from sickness to job changes to just navigating life, we have weathered some pretty difficult stuff.  However, nothing could prepare us/me for what we had to deal with the first 2 1/2 weeks following Lily's birth. 

I had always imagined labor being the hardest part of having a baby.  You repeatedly hear stories of long labors, emergency situations, things that could happen when the baby decides to show up...it seems people don't hold back when it comes to sharing their labor experiences.  Breastfeeding, on the other hand, you rarely hear about.  Granted, I had heard stories of how great it was, how it offered a perfect time for bonding between baby & mom, and how everyone should do it, but what I didn't hear about was how HARD it is for some.  

I knew all along I wanted to breastfeed.  It was something that was super important to Slade & me--- the best thing for Lily!  While pregnant, I tried to gain as much information as possible regarding the topic.  I read blogs & books, spoke to moms who breastfeed...I wanted to be prepared mentally for what was coming my way.  I knew it would have us tied to the house more & it would require my time more than Mr. S's, but I didn't mind.  

Once Lily arrived, we immediately let her breastfeed.  She was a natural at sucking & I immediately thought we would have no troubles.  I remember thinking--this is really as easy as everyone makes it out to be!  The 1st day we fed every 2-3 hours & seemed to be doing great, however, after a consultation from a friend, it seemed Lily's latch wasn't correct at all.  She was latching & sucking & getting the milk (well at the time colostrum), but not in the best way.  

Over the next 2 weeks we met with a lactation consultant 3 times & had family members try to help us figure out how to get her latch right, but nothing seemed to work.  By this time, I was in such pain it was unbearable.  I would dread the next feeding & cry whenever she was on me....I was devastated.  Instead of using this time to bond with my daughter, I was hating it.   I felt like I was failing as a mom. 

Now, not only were the feedings painful, but every time we went to the doctor, Lily wasn't gaining enough weight.  This was another huge blow.  Not only did I feel like I was killing myself to feed her, but I wasn't even doing a good enough job at it...looking back, I know this isn't true, but at the time that is what I felt.  I remember thinking time and time again, I've pushed myself physically in so many ways---I've run a marathon, completed a Tough Mudder race in freezing temperatures & I CrossFit, how can I not get this breastfeeding thing down?!??!  I don't think I've ever been more sad in my life.  

After Lily's doctor appointment last Friday, we decided that it is best for all of us if we start to supplement formula.  As much as I hated to do this (& cried when she got her first bottle), I had to let go of my selfish desire to only breastfeed Lily & do what is best for her health (& mine!).  She needs to gain weight faster & adding in formula will do that.  As for me, the doctor told me to quit nursing until I'm completely healed...it has been 5 days & I'm still in pain.  I'm not sure if I'll give it another go once I'm healed, but I am pumping every 3 hours and feeding that to Lily before the formula, so she is still getting breast milk...which is the ultimate goal! 

I do not write all of this to scare or discourage anyone from breastfeeding.  I know it is different for everyone, but I wanted to put our story out there for those that have problems & feel lost.  If I didn't have such a strong, supportive husband & wonderful family, I'm not sure I would've been able to get through this time as easily as I did.  While there were tears & heartache, I know we did what was best for our family.  I guess that is the lesson learned...there is no way to prepare or plan for parenthood!  You let go, pray a ton & make decisions that you feel are best for your family! :)